Thinkin', Bitchin' & Nursin'

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From a Mom to Her Sons…

I am writing this blog today to my sons.  I have two of them by blood.  Three if you count my stepson.  This, however, is being written for mine.  Why?  Because I’m leaving on a huge plane tomorrow that will take me up to a cruise ship that will go out into the ocean and cruise the Alaskan shoreline.  If, God forbid, something were to happen, I want them to know some things.  It is my hope that if something happens, someone will read this and make sure to pass this post (none of the other posts for God’s sake!) on to them.  Most likely, it will be my sister.  So, Ter, I thank you 🙂

So here goes:

Dear Donovan and Jeremy,

I want you to know that I wasn’t always a controlling, in charge, confident, strong person.  I was once shy.  I was once a child who didn’t want to have to make new friends.  I was picked on in school from kindergarten until I graduated.  I didn’t have a lot of friends.  I was once a child who only craved some patting on the back by my mom who didn’t give those to me very freely, or the love of my father who wasn’t around.  I was a child who tried really hard to get those pats on the back, and never really succeeded much.  I don’t know what in her life made my mom, your Grama Mary, a controlling, in charge, confident, strong woman.  I think her denying me the approval I so greatly sought all my life caused me to become one.  I think her denying me the love I needed made me go searching for it elsewhere.  This is where your dad came into play.  And because of your dad, I have the two of you.

At any rate, because of that, I have done my best to let you both know when I am proud, and if I don’t agree with your choices, I let you know, but in a loving way.  I call you and seek you out just to talk and say I love you.  I don’t take my love away if you don’t do things my way.  You are grown.  You have to do things your way, and if you do things the wrong way along the path, well, that’s how we all learn.  That’s how I’ve tried raising you.  I want you to be in charge, confident, strong men.  And I have always wanted you to know that you have a mother who loves you, NO MATTER WHAT.

I love you both equally.  BOTH of you, mistakes and all, have made me proud.  I have always been, and will always be proud of you.  I brag about the two of you every chance I get, for different reasons.  Don’t you ever dare doubt that.  I don’t want you to ever feel you have to follow in my footsteps to make me proud (Dono that’s for you!) because it’s not necessary.  I want you both to go out into the world and do your best at whatever you choose to do with your lives, taking care of your responsibilities along the way.  That’s all I ever wanted or expected of either of you.  And you’re both off to fine starts.

I want you to know that no matter how easy I may have made life look, nothing has been easy.  If it were, I would be able to just relax.  But I can’t.  Ken told me that just the other day.  I really don’t know how.  I feel like I have to take care of everything and everyone around me, and therefore, I never let my guard down.  If you think that’s easy, you’ve got another thing coming.  So for making it look easy, I’m so sorry.  Because none of this has been easy.  Not one second of my life was ever easy.  But every second was worth it because somewhere along the line I had the two of you. 

My mom died, and because of our relationship, I had to wonder for a very long time afterwards, until I made peace with things and made myself believe that our last couple of years together showed me she loved me, whether or not she ever loved me much.  I don’t want that for you guys EVER.

So, if this letter finds the two of you, it means I have met an untimely demise.  (Or it means someone found it and gave it to you even though I’m alive.)  Either way, I want you to know I love you both very much, I’m proud of you each in my own way, and I will never stop loving you.  You have been my world since the day you entered it. 

Forever, Your Mom

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PS – Now maybe I can get on that ship and relax!!!!

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